


Moon River

by jaspammy



Series: Keep a place for me [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, First years as third years, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, References to Depression, Suicide, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29008815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaspammy/pseuds/jaspammy
Summary: Life's just around the bend, my friend.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Keep a place for me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125878
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Moon River

**Author's Note:**

> This story involves alcohol, self-hate, eating disorders, depression, suicide and domestic violence/abuse. Nothing is too graphic and is referenced or implied. 
> 
> If any of these make you uncomfortable or trigger you in any way, click away.  
> please, don't continue if you do not enjoy heavy topics like these.
> 
> 1\. Takes place before Godspeed. The timeline does jump back and forth a bit  
> 2\. It's better to read Godspeed first since this spoils Godspeed and I wrote this with the intention that you were supposed to read it second (unless you don't care)  
> 3\. Thanks for reading :>

He’s watching the sunset cast beautiful yellows on Yamaguchi’s velvety skin. 

He’s smiling at something, Tsukishima nudges him, watches as the warm breeze plays with his brown hair. 

_“Hmm?”_ He murmurs, like silver bells. 

“Don’t stare at the sun,” Tsukishima says softly. The other boy chuckles; his cheeks are tear-stained. 

There’s a tightness in his chest. He smiles a little. _Don’t stare at it so longingly,_

Tsukishima holds his hand, intertwines their fingers. 

_Because the sun is you._

If only he had the guts to tell him that back then.

* * *

“Good work today, everyone!” Yamaguchi announces. “All of you have improved so much over the past few months, so be proud of yourselves, I definitely am! Enjoy your weekend and use this time to rest, and I mean it, _Kageyama and Hinata.”_

Ukai steps in to say a few words and dismisses the volleyball team.

The club room is lively as usual. Yamaguchi is in the corner putting his gym clothes in his bag.

“Want to come over?” Tsukishima asks. 

“Uh, actually, I thought we could all go to Sakanoshita like we used to.”

* * *

Yamaguchi searches through his bag and counts each bill as he pulls them out.

“You’re going to go broke, you know,” Tsukishima informs him. “Especially the idiot duo, they’ll eat through all of your money. It’s like their stomachs are bottomless pits. Almost like your bag, Get a wallet, will you.”

Yamaguchi flipped off Tsukishima as he continued to take the money out of his bag. “Daichi and Ennoshita used to do this, so it’s only fair. It’s Truh-di-shun,” Yamaguchi draws out. “Anyway, I wouldn’t mind going broke for the sake of my teammates.” After finally paying for the rest of the buns, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi make their way to the rest of the team, arms full of fresh pork buns. A chorus of “thank you, Yamaguchis,” rang through the air as the boy distributed the pork buns. He turns to Tsukishima handing him one of the buns. “And one for Tsukki!” He beams.

“Thank you, _captain,”_ Tsukishima whispers in Yamaguchi’s ear. 

* * *

The Tsukishima’s house feels empty and quiet tonight, especially after the rousing evening. When Tsukishima and Yamaguchi hung out, it was always calm, but the atmosphere tonight was fragile.

He should’ve realized earlier that there was something more than wrong with how he acted, but he didn’t.

In fact, none of his friends did because, despite these moments happening now and then, Yamaguchi’s laughter is always so beautiful, so cheerful, so happy.

“Pretty,” Tsukishima says as Yamaguchi restyles his hair for the umpteenth time. “You look pretty.”

Yamaguchi looks him in the eyes through the mirror, raises his shoulders, smiles as if aporetic. “I look _okay._ Maybe I should just cut it.”

The blonde frowns. Yamaguchi used to giggle and blush whenever Tsukishima complimented him. It’s been weeks since those times. He stares; Tsukishima feels like his thoughts are being broken down bit by bit by the Yamaguchi. He doesn’t break eye contact, reaches to wipe at his cheeks before the tears even begin falling because he knows that they will. _“Don’t.”_

Yamaguchi scrunches his nose, tries to smile. 

He’s thankful, but he doesn’t know how to say it. 

That’s okay. He thought it was okay. 

Maybe it would’ve been better if he had tried to teach Yamaguchi how to say those words.

* * *

Yamaguchi goes home the same night, and Tsukishima cannot wait for Monday to come.

* * *

“Good morning, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi greeted. 

“Your hair,” Tsukishima frowned slightly, “you cut it?”

Yamaguchi cracked a little smile. “Yeah.” 

“You didn’t like it?”

Yamaguchi turned a small bit to scan Tsukishima face. His brows were knitted a little bit. He looked what Tsukishima could only describe as melancholic. Like he was missing a piece of himself. “It... isn’t me?” he chuckled. Forced, sad. “It just isn’t... me.” He heard Yamaguchi mutter once more.

* * *

“Can you believe we’ll be finished high school this time next year?”

“I can, but I can’t say the same about you,” Tsukishima smirked.

“Hey! I’ll have you know I am expected to graduate next year, you four-eyed jerk face,” Hinata huffs and turns to Yamaguchi. “Yamaguchi, tell Tsukishima to stop being so mean!”

“What’s wrong shrimpy? Can’t fight your own battles?”

Yamaguchi sighed before he spoke. “I don’t know how you have the energy to yell after practice. Please leave me out of this,” he yawned.

“Kageyama, back me up! Tell Tsukishima how smart I am!”

“I have more brain cells than both of you combined.”

* * *

Yamaguchi’s working days were the types of days where he looked like he hadn’t slept the whole night, hadn’t had breakfast (even though, as they’ve found out, he rarely eats breakfast anyway.) And seemed like he could collapse right that instant.

He worked at Shimada Mart so he could save up money to move out from home, but even if he had enough, he’d probably be haunted with the thought of actually doing it. He’s always felt like family was an important thing. No matter how brutal or unfair it was, he never really blamed anyone other than himself for it being that way. He thought there was a reason this was all happening, that reason being that he wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t deserve to get any affection because there was something wrong with him. Whenever he came to meet them with bruises and scratches and burns, he would always say that it wasn’t as bad as they looked. And no matter how many times one of them encouraged him to go to the police about it, or even if _they_ went in to report it, he always got defensive about the subject because “this isn’t _your_ business, this is the way my mom just _is.”_

Family.

Family _was_ indeed an important thing, but only under the proper rules can you call a family by that name.

 _Not_ when that thing you call _family_ was hurting you physically or mentally

There was a time they’ve spoken about this. Tsukishima gathered everyone up and tried to talk with Yamaguchi about the issues at home. 

_“She’s family. It’s just the way she is.”_

_“Then what she is, isn’t healthy for you. And you know what you need to do to things that aren’t healthy, Yamaguchi.”_

_The younger’s hands were clasped together, getting tighter as the seconds went by. He stayed silent, Tsukishima finished with: “You stop involving yourself with them.”_

It wasn’t as easy as that, and of course, everyone knew that. They suggested moving out, Yamaguchi said he would, but with a voice that sounded small and unsure. 

_I don’t think I can._

Tsukishima walks Yamaguchi to work. Kageyama is with them.

“I’m not staying today,” Tsukishima says.

“What? Why not?”

“Kageyama and I are going to Sakanoshita. He needs help studying.”

“I’ll buy you food.”

“Kageyama is already buying me food.”

“Ah, okay. I’ll see you later?”

“No. It’ll be late.”

“Oh, okay. Get some safe, Tsukki. I’ll text you later.”

* * *

Tsukishima rechecks his phone. It’s quarter past one.

 _He would have said something by now._ Tsukishima says to himself. It’s not like Yamaguchi would have forgotten. He unlocks his phone and hovers over the call button. Yamaguchi picks up after the third ring.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi said lethargically. 

“Yamaguchi. You Didn’t text me.”

There’s a pause before Yamaguchi answers. Tsukishima swears he can hear the realization come from Yamaguchi’s mouth. “Sorry, Tsukki, I guess it slipped my mind.”

“It’s alright.”

“Uh, Tsukki, I was thinking about what Hinata said today after practice, about graduation. Have you thought about where you want to go to University?”

“Far away. What about you?”

“My parents want me close to home.”

“I didn’t ask what your parents wanted, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima tells him. “Where do _you_ want to go?”

“Tokyo,” he breathes out. “I want to go to Tokyo.”

* * *

It’s hot. The July sun feels like it’s about to burn his skin off. 

They’re all gathered together for the day, playing old fashioned games that probably nobody cares about anymore. The sound of the ocean waves hitting against the sandy beach brings a bit of peace in the air. The smell of salty water brushes at his nose. It’s Kageyama’s turn to ask someone: “Hinata!” He points at the orange-haired boy. “Truth or dare?”

Hinata fakes his thinking for a moment, hums. “Truth.”

“Hinata Shoyo,” he starts. “Since you’re asking Yamaguchi next, would you rather switch bodies with him for a day or read his mind?”

Yachi raises a brow. “Isn’t that... essentially the same thing?”

“Yeah, it is.” Tsukishima snorts.

Everyone stops to listen to Hinata’s answer. Yamaguchi seems mildly interested too.

“Uhh, well,” Hinata struggles, biting his lip in thought. “Read his mind? I dunno, I don’t think I’d want to do either..?”

Maybe.

Maybe that came off wrong.

No, that _definitely_ came off wrong.

Kageyama blinked at the answer, realized why everyone was suddenly looking tense. Yachi, who sat directly opposite Hinata, narrowed her eyes dangerously, a frown setting deep into her skin. All of them spared a glance at Yamaguchi, who now had stiffer shoulders, likely confused as to why everyone went silent. Immediately, Hinata turned to his right, grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand as carefully as he could in his current shock, and apologized repeatedly. “Yamaguchi, I’m sorry that came off wrong, it wasn’t supposed to- shit, I’m so sorry I-”

There was a harsh inhale from Yamaguchi, who was fully facing Hinata right now, leaning back slightly. His shoulders looked like they were going to touch his ears. “Hinata,” he said quietly, breathing out his lungful of air. “Why do you look so frightened?” His voice is shaking, but only to those who were really listening.

Tsukishima knew that at this moment, all four of them noticed.

Hinata looked like he would break because nobody could ever feel like they weren’t when they were looking at Yamaguchi, who has been hurt, primarily when _you_ were the cause of that pain. He visibly tightened his hold on Yamaguchi’s hand, whispered another apology like some kind of ritual. Yamaguchi shook his head. “It’s okay, Hinata, it’s okay.”

“Are you sure? Because I-”

“I’m sure because I agree with you.”

* * *

There’s something similar happening now. Yamaguchi is in Hinata’s home, Tsukishima and Kageyama had come to for a group study. After a while, Yamaguchi had arrived with a split lip and a swollen cheek that was motley coloured, making Kageyama hiss from even looking at it. 

_“Shit, Yamaguchi.”_ Hinata cursed, running into the kitchen to grab a bag of peas from the freezer. 

Hinata shuffled through the cabinets as quickly as he could. The rest of them ushered Yamaguchi into the living room, where they sat on a three-seated leather couch. Tsukishima could hear a couple of things hit the floor where Hinata currently was. He cursed something again and ran back into the room where the rest of them were. He kneeled in front of him, pressing the pack to Yamaguchi’s cheek. Not for long, though, because Yamaguchi took the peas himself and lightly slapped his friend’s hands away.

Hinata frowned, his eyes looking a little more glassy than usual.

Tsukishima did nothing.

He sat from Yamaguchi’s other side and watched everything unfold. 

Nobody asked because everyone knew what had happened.

All they usually did was give him something to help with whatever injuries he had, patted his back or hugged him.

But every single time, there was an infinite amount of guilt stuck deep down in his heart, scratching at his heartstrings, saying, _why the fuck didn’t you do anything?_

And every time something like this happened, he knew what it was.

* * *

It was the first time after weeks that Yamaguchi had told Tsukishima he wanted to meet him. He had texted with a simple location, nothing more.

Shimada Mart. Of course.

It was dark. The humming from the neon sign seemed louder than usual. Yamaguchi was quiet. Tsukishima didn’t mind.

“Thank you, Kei. Thank you.”

“I haven’t even done anything.”

“Just let me thank you, _please.”_

* * *

September twenty-seventh rolls around, which means it’s Tsukishima’s birthday. Tsukishima gets a text from Yamaguchi asking to go to his favourite cafe in Sendai. “ _I know how much you like their strawberry shortcake,”_ is what he says.

* * *

“Tsukki!”

Yamaguchi is standing outside the cafe with Hinata, Kageyama and Yachi. 

“Happy birthday Tsukishima!” They say in unison. 

The whole time they celebrate, Tsukishima holds his breath. It seems like every time they’re all together, something terrible happens.

But today goes by better than he could have ever asked.

* * *

“Tsukki, I hope you enjoyed the party,” Yamaguchi said. “It was so hard trying to plan something with Kageyama and Hinata. Could you believe they wanted to play volleyball for _your_ birthday party?” Yamaguchi groaned.

The two boys walk back from the cafe, the sun now replaced by the moon, leaving them guided by the streetlamps.

Tsukishima scoffed. “They have volleyballs for brains.”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi hums. “It’s nice for all of us to be together.”

“We see each other every day at practice.”

Yamaguchi giggles. “I guess you’re right, Tsukki.”

They’re at Tsukishima’s front door now. The yellow porch hangs above.

“Ah, I almost forgot,” Yamaguchi says while reaching into his bag. He pulls out a slightly crinkled envelope. “Sorry it’s a bit uh ruined, must’ve slipped to the bottom of my bag. Happy birthday, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi expressed while grabbing Tsukishima’s hands tightly and looking at him straight in the eyes. Tsukishima had felt like he had nowhere to hide, completely exposed.

“Stay the night,” Tsukishima pleaded. “Please. You still have clothes in my room.”

“Of course, Tsukki.”

* * *

Two days later, Tsukishima opens his gift from Yamaguchi. It’s a ticket to Tokyo, a voucher for a hotel and admission to a museum. He picks up the phone to call Yamaguchi. It only rings once before he answers.

“Hi Tsukki, whats-”

“I hope you don’t expect me to go to Tokyo alone.”

“You know I’ll go anywhere with you.”

* * *

“They seem close,” Tsukishima huffed to Kageyama.

“Are you jealous of Hinata?”

Yes. “No.”

* * *

On Yamaguchi’s seventeenth birthday, it was as if everything they had worked up to went downhill. 

That night, Tsukishima realized that no matter how hard you try to reassure a person on something, unless they don’t honestly believe your words, it could mean absolutely fucking nothing.

All of those days, weeks, months trying to reassure Yamaguchi that one day, no matter when it is, things will be okay sooner or later.

That night, something happened. 

That night is one that none of them will ever, ever forget.

Because that night was a nightmare.

* * *

“Ah, Hinata, we probably shouldn’t do this,” Yamaguchi murmured, holding the cup in his hands.

“Man, Yamaguchi, don’t be such a mood breaker, ’s fine,” he said, filling Yamaguchi’s cup with alcohol. “Besides, it’s your birthday. You can do whatever you want.”

Yamaguchi hummed, re-positioning himself on the low windowsill. Hinata’s sitting on one of the stools a little below him.

Both of them were currently highly intoxicated. There’s buzzing in Hinata’s head, but a pleasant kind. He feels like he could do almost anything. “Hey, slow down, or you’ll puke.”

His friend giggles, a little in a daze. “Oh, wouldn’t that be a shame?”

Hinata turned to give him a nasty false eye, breaking into a smile immediately after. 

“The rest of ’em?” Yamaguchi asks, lowly, playing with his hair, taking a second sip. 

“Downstairs, eating cake?” 

“Isn’t it weird? _I’m_ the one that’s supposed to eat cake.”

“You don’t eat anyways,” Hinata shrugs. “Cos of.. whatever, right.”

At this, Yamaguchi starts clearing his throat. He looks back at him to see him a little paler than earlier. “Didn’t I tell you you slow down?”

“Shut up, Hinata. You made it worse, bringing up my diet.”

The orange-haired boy widens his eyes; he knows somewhere deep down they shouldn’t be arguing. “Excuse me, but am I wrong? You hardly eat or sleep,” he starts, tapping his fingers on his knee. “You’re like, the saddest person I know, that’s _counting_ Tsukishima. Who would’ve thought, huh?”

In his peripheral, he saw Yamaguchi’s legs dangling off the windowsill now, he was about to jump off, and when he did, he nearly hit his head against the wardrobe in front of him. He opened the door that led to the bathroom. 

He doesn’t really notice the time going by, but after what he thinks is like, a minute, Yachi and Tsukishima enter the room, seemingly looking for them.

First, both of them notice the alcohol. Yachi asks about Yamaguchi. She’s got a stern scowl on his face from the mixture of smells in the room. Tsukishima stares at the bathroom door. “How long’s he been in there?”

Hinata thinks, looks at the door too. “I dunno. A couple of minutes?” 

Both of them step closer to it, Yachi knocks, puts her ear against it. “Yamaguchi? You okay in there?”

No answer.

She knocks again, quicker this time. Nothing. 

Tsukishima twists the doorknob in. Thankfully, it’s open. Hinata can see Yamaguchi on the floor. 

_“Shit,”_ he hisses, standing up to rush into the bathroom. He comes in to see this: Kageyama shouting, Tsukishima slapping his face lightly, there are pills scattered on the floor.

Soon, the rest of them, Sugawara, Daichi, Nishinoya and Tanaka, are standing behind them, asking what that hell was going on.

“Did he take those?!” Sugawara shouts, Tsukishima is crying, Daichi checking his pulse.

“Call an ambulance _._ ”

Hinata kneels near Tsukishima. “I didn’t think he’d actually do it,” he whispers.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“The other day we were talking- uh, he said some stuff, but I thought he’d be fine. I thought he would have spoken to you about it,” Hinata confessed.

“Are you serious? You _knew_ and didn’t say anything?” Tsukishima yelled.

“I said I thought he told you!” Hinata snapped back.

Tsukishima flew into a blind rage when he grabbed Hinata. He punched him over and over until Daichi, Kageyama and Tanaka had to pull him off Hinata. “This is all your fault. Fuck you bastard, fuck you!” he screamed with tears in his eyes. 

That night was the one that Hinata blamed himself for, to this day.

It was possible that he would never, ever forgive himself for it, no matter how many times everyone claimed it wasn’t his fault. 

Because it was.

He knew it was.

* * *

Yamaguchi doesn’t wake up, and Tsukishima feels a part of him disappears.

He quits volleyball as soon as he finds out. 

Sugawara sends him a text saying _We’re here for you, Tsukishima._

Kageyama tells him to “come back when he’s ready.”

* * *

Next March, Tsukishima skips his graduation. He decides to go to Yamaguchi’s grave instead.

* * *

He goes to a university in Sendai because anything further away would rip him away from everything he’s ever known.

* * *

There’s a knock on Tsukishima’s door. He lets out an irritated sigh as he walks from his couch to the door. He opens the door to see Kageyama standing in the hallway. 

“Shouldn’t you be in Tokyo?” Tsukishima questioned, clearly irritated. “What do you want.”

“I just wanted to talk.” 

“What do you want?” Tsukishima seethed.

“Are you okay?”

Kageyama watches as Tsukishima’s face turns from anger to sadness. “Of course, I’m not okay, idiot,” he chocked out. He could feel the burning sensation in his throat and the stinging sensation behind his eyes. For the first time in months, Tsukishima allows himself to be vulnerable. He lunges himself at Kageyama and wails into his shoulder.

_“I just want to see him again.”_


End file.
